Are you married and frustrated with the way things are going and looking for help in making your marriage work? Well, although it is no great comfort, rest assured you are not alone. If you are looking for ways to improve your marriage then I give you credit because you are a step ahead of a lot of other couples. Instead of trying to make your marriage work you could be looking for a way out of your marriage.
Marriages today are not like they were 40 or 50 years ago when what was expected of husbands and wives was pretty straight forward. The husband was supposed to provide and protect the family and the wife generally cared for the home and children. You were expected to stay married and honor your wedding vows. It doesn’t mean that couples were much happier or had better marriages back then. They just didn’t treat divorce as casually as we do today. If you were married back then making your marriage work would have been a priority.
The roles that husbands and wives fulfill today are much different than years ago and so are the expectations of men and women. In today's society both husbands and wives are capable of carrying out nearly all responsibilities and are less dependent on each other. In today's world you will find stay at home dads, single parent homes, women who are the main bread winners. The dependency on a spouse to fulfill emotional, psychological or physical needs has changed over time.
It's much easier today for a husband or wife to question why they need to stay married when they don't feel like they are getting any value from their relationship. Instead of making the marriage work they look for the escape hatch and jump ship. With today's technological advances you would think that there is a wealth of information available to help couples manage their relationship and making your marriage work.
Today's marriages, more than any time in history, depend upon more upon communication, intimacy, relating, compromise, negotiation and understanding. The key to making the marriage work requires that each spouse be committed to enhancing their marriage and making it work. In addition, each spouse must be equally committed to their own personal growth as well as the growth of their partner. The preservation and enhancement of the marriage partnership must be a top priority.
The following tips may aide you in making your marriage work;
Fighting fair - Don't bring up things from the past that were supposed to be forgiven and forgotten. It's like pouring salt on an open wound and makes life more difficult. Don't say hurtful things about your spouse that you know will cause a lot of pain, and add to unhappiness in the marriage.
Stop sweating the small stuff - Make it a point to stop getting aggravated, frustrated and disappointed over little things that really aren't that important. Overlook the little things that you normally complain about that gets under your skin. You know what they are. Marriage is more important than the little things that can grow into big things.
Enjoy being around your spouse - Don't disappear when your spouse comes home or when they enter the room your in. Stop acting like you enjoy life more when they are out of the house, out of town or at least not in the same room as you. Let your spouse know that you enjoy it when you are together. Making your spouse feel comfortable is the least you can do.
Don't talk negative about your spouse to others - It's very easy to share what's wrong with your spouse that's driving you crazy. Stop doing that immediately. No spouse likes to be talked about in that way. It's not okay to make jokes about your spouse around family or friends that betrays a trust. If you don't have anything positive to say don't say anything.
Talk to your spouse - It's not okay to go hours or days playing the silent "I'm not talking to you game". There is nothing gained by shutting down and not talking to your spouse. It's difficult at times but the only time you should not be talking is if for some reason you are really upset and need a little time to cool off. Otherwise, keep the lines of communication open. I know not talking times gives you peace of mind. But don't settle for a temporary time of peace when you could work on your marriage making it better.
Act like a married couple - Don't take separate cars to the same place unless it's really necessary. That's what you did before you got married. No separate vacations, or bedrooms. You need to be committed to being a couple and not married singles. Making your marriage work is not an option but a requirement.
Don't take advice from the wrong people - There will be many family, friends and enemies who will offer you free advice. Be careful who you talk to and more importantly who you listen to. It's very difficult for a spouse to be happy in a marriage knowing that you have blabbed your marriage problems to the world. You also don't want to follow advice from someone who has been married 3 times. It's better to limit the circle of people you discuss your marriage with and you also don't always need to share all the details. The wrong people can't tell you how to fix your unhappy marriage problem
Support your spouse - Make sure you are there for your spouse even though you don't want to be. If there is a family function with your in-laws don't stay home. Be there for your spouse. The same thing goes for work or even playful functions like a sporting event. It's important for your spouse to know that you care enough to be with them even though they know you don't want to be around certain people. It shows that they mean more to you than your feelings about other people.
Be Realistic - Couples often go into marriage with idealistic notions of what marriage is all about. These ideas are handed down from generation to generation or gleaned from popular magazines, TV shows, or simply conjured from their own fantasies of what they would like. Each individual should make clear what their explicit and implicit expectations are and clarify these expectations such that they are clearly understood by one another. Where there are discrepancies, a mutually satisfying compromise must be reached.
Do Not Take One another For Granted - This can be a killer for a relationship. It usually occurs sometime after the honeymoon period. When our partner feels taken for granted, not respected or acknowledged, and feels that others are a higher priority than him/herself, resentment brews. A regular "state of the union" check-in with your spouse as to how s/he is feeling about the relationship can help avert resentment build-up.
Keep the Romance Alive - Maintaining the romance in a relationship is vital to the vibrancy of the relationship. Once folks marry they often become quite lax in this department. They allow business, chores, and children to get the way of their romantic life. In a busy life, especially if there are children, it takes considerable effort to maintain romance. But it is worth it. It takes planning, creativity and commitment.
Be Complimentary - It costs nothing to compliment your partner and it sure feels good to receive them. We are often chary about paying compliments to our mates, letting them know that we think they are pretty/handsome, smart, clever, well-dressed, kind, a good parent, etc. We do not have to wait until some occasion when we purchase a greeting card to let our mates know that we think they are special.
Show Appreciation - Another small thing that feels good. Thanking your partner for making dinner or taking out the trash, picking up clothes from the dry-cleaners, and in general letting him/her know that s/he is appreciated can go along way in creating a caring environment. Couples are very quick to criticize one another when chores do not get done, but they are very remiss when it comes to showing appreciation.
As you can see from the foregoing, maintaining a contemporary marriage is no easy task. It requires hard work. To think that a successful marriage -- that is a relationship between two people that is fulfilling, enhancing of one's sense of self-esteem, emotionally gratifying, nurturing, and supportive -- can be achieved by merely living under the same roof without investing effort and time, would be naive thinking. Some individuals believe that marriage should be easy, and if it is not, they think something is wrong.
Marriage, like any other worthwhile endeavor, requires patience and practice. When there is difficulty, it may require outside help. Just as a business may require a consultant, so too might a marriage. Today's marriages are more than just two people living under the same roof. They are complex and dynamic entities that become even more complex as children enter the picture. For then there are additional dynamics that must be incorporated into the mix. Making your marriage work is one of our most significant challenges but should not be optional but required.
